Sometimes I wonder, what am I doing as a parent? Am I really cut out for this…the hardest job ever. It really is hard. I’m mama to two healthy girls, yet I sometimes wonder how they are doing emotionally as a result of my lack of knowledge.
This morning while walking the girls to school, I said my goodbyes, knowing I had a 9am yoga class to make. I let them know earlier that I won’t be able to stay for am recess before school begins. I said good bye to Isa, and then walked Tamra the rest of the way to the black top so she could play. She asked me if I could play handball with her. I should have just simply reminded her that I had a class to go to, but instead I made a less than desirable motion with my shoulders and shrugged, which basically said without words, “don’t you remember what we talked about this morning?” She right away turned back from me and said, never mind. I did say goodbye to her with a kiss and hug and watched for a minute or two before walking back home. Half way home on the walk, tears came up as I wished I could go back……take back that stupid shrug that didn’t make her feel so good and just have explained. I want them to explain things to me, so why couldn’t I have just explained things to her? ARGH!
It’s a struggle..finding time…making that time quality….trying to teach them and show them the right things to do….show myself the right things to… emulate the behavior I come to expect.
I know deep down inside all they want is our time. The things are a nice surprise, but the time is what counts. I’ll be the first to admit, I don’t always make use of that time for quality….and I have a to do list that I need to just burn…in fact I will! But realizing that the time I do have with them is important and precious. Making use with time together, staying off the computer, and the to do list…..sitting with them, talking with them, helping, and showing. Maybe I think about things to much……I know I do. I know I’m not alone in this.
It had been two weeks since I last went to yoga…and after attending, I felt more at peace…trying to breathe in the constant of intention with the words gentle and present. Giving my breathe to allow me to be gentle in my words and thoughts. Giving my breathe to be present in what ever I was doing in the moment.
I came home to an empty home, but went in to the girls room, and started cleaning. NOt so much cleaning, but more organizing, so their room would be a bit better to be in. And even though I had asked them to do this many times over, I just wanted to be among their things, helping. My goal in writing this is to remind myself to be gentle with my thoughts…be present with my time…and live a life that is simple with these simple words. It can be harder than one thinks…but can also be done. Be gentle with yourself and be present. Let me know how you are doing.