Happy Mother’s Day Mama!!

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Dear Ma,

With this mother’s day come many sentiments..visually, at stores, on tv and all sort of social media. And I love it! It reminds me to the amazing mama you are and always will be. I hate the fact that you are so far away, but comforted that you are in my heart and head! I am still trying to figure and work on this thing called life. And so far I think I am doing ok. Being a mom…being a parent is one of the hardest things ever! And I am coming into understanding of some of the many things you must have went through. Even more, you came to a new country without any of your family to create one of your own. You are brave, courageous, true and full of spunk and and attitude and for that I am grateful. Sorry to not call more….one day I too will wonder why my girls don’t call more…but until then know this…..I love you and am so thankful for the life you and dad gave Raj and I.  Happy Mother’s day Mom!

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Memory #4978373-Dad and I drive to SLO to look for a place!

This is my first installment of what I hope to be many that will document the many memories I have in the depths of my brain, and emotions that I want to get down in writing. The numbers associated with these memories are just random numbers really, but it’s fun to think how many memories we all can actually have! So here we go!

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My dream college was attending Cal Poly, San Luis Obispo. When I received the acceptance letter I was so excited, nervous and anxious! Months before actually moving, I had to find a place. Dorms were out of the question, as the cost was way to high. So my dad and I made the trip from Fremont to San Luis to take a look at what the city had to offer.

It was pretty bad. Place after place, my dad wasn’t satisfied at his only daughter living alone. Looking back neither was I. We looked and looked.  The last straw was coming to the back of a home and seeing this “studio.” It was a galley style place that had slanted floors…make-shift really…smelled awful and we were shocked she was asking $800 for it.  Give me a break! When we got back in the car, I started to get teary eyed, as we didn’t find anything. We went out to eat and took another look at the paper and this time looked for ads that said room mates needed. The first place we came across was for a Condo room rental on Laguna Lane.

We met with the owner, Lori Jackson, and both us were impressed that she was a professor at Poly..not much older than me…or maybe she is younger…either way…pretty cool!  Yes, I was on the 10-12 year college plan! For as much as she interviewed us, my dad interviewed her making sure I would be safe and feel comfortable. And the price was right at $400 per month. At least I think it was that low…may have been lower.

The ride home was looking better, but we knew she had several applicants…and the further we got away from SLO, towards Fremont, the sadder I became. Then I will never forget what my dad said he would do….He said I could go to the dorms if it meant he had to take a second job.  I was overwhelmed with gratitude…really? You don’t need to do that, but he insisted if that’s what it came down to he would do it.

When we got home. we told mom everything. As I was telling her about Lori and the great possibility, the phone rang……it was Lori. She asked for my dad and talked to him and offered the place to me!!!!! Over the moon happy! I bet my dad was too! It was set…I have a place to live!

I will never forget my dad’s thoughts and words as he tried to make sure his daughter would be safe and happy….

Thanks Dad! Lova!

Happy Birthday Dear Friend.

Took a break from posting yesterday in honor of a wonderful woman. This woman is the inspiration behind why I do this blog. To carry her message…be kind, be wonderful, be generous.  It is indeed what Jodi has always done.

I know there are many people like her in the world. And I feel quite honored and lucky to have known such a wonderous human being. Yesterday was her birthday.

I often think back to wishing I could have been there more for her or just simply spent more time. Time. It’s something so vast…yet so precious. In all that we try to strive through to get through life, it really is important to take time. Time to just close your eyes under the sun, time to look at the big blue ocean, time to listen to your kids stories, time to hold hands with the one you love, time to remember those that have taken a journey before you, and that you hope to one day meet up again with them….in heaven, in paradise…in that place where you will rekindle with those you once thought lost. They are not lost, as long as they are remembered.

I remember you Jodi. As do many others. The pain of losing you will hopefully be overtaken by all the memories we have shared with you.

Dear Jodi……there are many of us that look forward to meeting you again when our time travels down that journey…but until then I know you are with me…you are with your family…you are with your friends…forever and always.  Love you!

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Day by Day

Written on 6/9/97, while sitting on the beach, pondering life, wondering where in the world it would take me. I’m still learning…still feeling my way about. This is my 100th post . Wow!!!! IMG_0092

Day By Day

I must recapture my youth

I’m feeling rather old

Often confused, diving into depths

That are too cold.

My purpose is unknown

With a journey that never ends

Paths too choose

Broken trails to mend.

Life is a question

With no clear answer in sight

But the answer is just around the corner

In the shadow of that light.

See the children laughing

Hear them when at play

Remember all your childlike dreams

And live them, Day by Day.

Tears Bringing Us Closer!

Old post brought back to life. Posted back in August, 2010….memories…with new stuff at the bottom!

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Today is the first day of school….for both my babies. Isara is starting 2nd grade. Our youngest, Tamra, is starting kindergarten. We all walked to school this morning. After taking Isa to her new class and getting her settled in (which was no problem…she is so excited!), we headed over to the kinder area. There, we noticed the window blinds that normally look out to the play area were closed…that’s because that’s where all the parents were standing. They quickly lined all the kids up and basically whisked them away. For some reason I thought we would get to stay in the classroom, but this way is better…allows the kids to get to know their teachers and such. I didn’t cry…yet.

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Trevis and I walked home, and suddenly realized how quiet it is. We then got a bit sad. He then played a song on YouTube…Remember When by Alan Jackson. He was outside, getting his truck ready for work, and I was inside filling out the endless forms for school. I still didn’t cry through the song.

After listening to it, I realized that song was more about a couple….us.  I said that to Trevis. He had his glasses on, and I started crying and then realized that he was crying. He never cries. It was one of the most happiest days of my life…today….because my husband was releasing himself to me in a way that he had done only a few times before. I know, silly that I am so happy that my husband is crying…..but it brought us closer. We cried some more in each others arms in a strong bear hug hold, especially after we realized Tamra and Isara aren’t there to tell daddy…”Please stay daddy, please don’t go to work.” I think that really got to him. I love him. I like him.

He eventually had to go to work, and as he drove off,  I walked in the home and I cried and cried.

But added to my crying was that I was missing my mom on her birthday. Happy Birthday Mama!!!!

I cried for my close friend, Jodi, who is fighting the fight for her life against cancer, a second time.

I cried for her family.

I cried for my girls and hoping they live a happy, safe and full life.

I cried for the chance I was given that allowed me to stay home with my girl this past year.

I cried at the fact that I almost gave all this up last year.

I am crying knowing, that my babies are growing everyday, and one day they will leave our nest.

I cried.

Now what to do. After I am done typing this, what do I do. All those lists I have, all the things I want to get done…now is my chance right. Bittersweet.

Move on. Cause in a few hours, I will get to pick those lovely creatures up from school and hear all about their first day. And then we start again. And it gets easier….right?

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Today I cry cause I miss Jodi.

I cry know that time is precious, and my girls are growing up so fast…I just want to cuddle with them.

I cry wishing I could be closer in proximity to my brother. He is only five hours away, but still far.

I cry at my anger that sometimes get’s the best of me and my time.

I can only hope, move on and do what I am doing, knowing my girls, my family is safe and happy.

Tears, I have to remember, are also shed for the happy times…the times to cherish, the times to have now.
And if you want to cry some more, listen to these country songs! They’re on YouTube, so be patient with the upload times! Videos helped me become a country music fan, because of the stories told. Have some Kleenex handy and a cup of tea. And know…..it’s ok to cry.

Missing her very much

Yesterday marked three months since Jodi passed away. I decided to go visit her site after I worked out. It was a beautiful sunny day and the ocean was roaring in the distance. From her site there is a view to the ocean and beyond, but more than that…it was just simply a peaceful place to be and reflect and talk to her. Yes, I talked to her…alot. I’d much rather she be here in person, bantering with me, sharing new ideas, talking about her family, especially her kids, and just laughing and being together. I cried. I cried for not visiting her in the hospital. I cried for having that wonderful conversation with her at midnight when she was in the hospital…we talked for about three hours. I cried because I thought of her family…I thought of her spirit, and I thought of her ways.
I miss you Jodi girl. I plan on visiting again soon for some more chatting. Love you always.